last quarter, i conducted a little experiment on myself. i kept close surveillance on my moods, actions and thoughts through chronicles of digital audio and photography. this moment in time was partially captured in this small database of images and recordings i produced throughout the quarter. ultimately, it was wrapped up to be presented to an audience for film172 with a sort digital video, slideshow, talking head experimental documentary. what many people experienced however was a dip into my headspace, murky as those waters may be. the immersive experience was overpowering at first, but with some tweaking and modified selection and ordering of sound and image i was able to produce a calculated articulate panic attack of hope, future and worry.
at least, that's what people have told me. personally, when i watch the final product i'm whirled back into the personal world of those ramblings and images of things in flux, construction and insight as if i were stepping inside a kind of virtual scrapbook. it's embarrassing, but only because it's so personal and real to me.
this weekend my friend's mother died in a car accident coming up from san diego to visit. she was only five minutes away. i'm not quite sure how i feel about the whole accident and its aftermath, but i'm very aware of the the place it's put me in. i'm negotiating the fine line of being a sponge for her emotions and a solid shoulder to lean on. the best way to be helpful to my friend i feel is to not despair and remain accessible whenever the opportunity arises.
since this weekend, i've alternatively been using music and gaming as both an escape and outlet for coping. the games i've been playing allow me and anyone watching to step out into a space where things are simple, goals are attainable and perhaps a little competition is healthy and entertaining. on the other hand, the music i've been immersing myself in is moody and a bit dark. i'm not sure what it is about tori amos and my other favorite yet slightly depressing artists, but by diving head first into the emotion gets me through it somehow (after a bit of wallowing in it). beneath the surface some complex series of events are being processed and emotions explored through sound and recurring lyrics and healing happens...somehow.
my partner's new job requires her to stay out on long campaigns oraganizing labor unions. currently she's in southern california on a four month campaign. she gets to hang out with my parent's who love her, our close friends who take her out and talk to new people everyday. for one reason or another i haven't gotten into a social groove or niche in santa cruz in the two and a half years that i've been here. there are people i like to hang out with and talk to...when i see them. i'm not a really big phone person; i'm a bit more outgoing in person or other environments that aren't strictly verbal. i can hold my own in letters (as long as i actually get around to writing) and in an online context. yet, i've always had this hangup about phone conversations.
the point of this explanation being, my girlfriend thinks that my video game time is acting as a substitute for the social interation/time i would be spending with her if she were here. and you know what...she's absolutely right. is that wrong? it's not that i'm not interested, i would love to get more and hang out with real people, but simply put it's better than moping around and watching television. i miss her and my friends a lot and i wish they would come over and play super smash brothers melee with me. :)
my girlfriend commented on my art analysis of Daniel Rozin's work (link) and i thought it was funny so i thought i'd share:
[23:52] alinabeen: i love how interactive the pieces are. in an environment
where things are supposed to be so static, with an emphasis on perfect
presentation and preservation (art museum), it is wonderful to see
something so functional. to some extent, i would argue that a things
functionality is to some degree dependent on it's adaptability or
maliability
[23:52] alina: hmmm,
[23:52] alina: genius probably
tony hawk is becoming more of a social event for me as annie comes over to play with me. the last time we played together she started exploring the create-a-skater feature to make a virtual repesentation of...me. it was strange to put it mildly and somehow embarrassing. the create-a-skater feature gives you control over many features including:skin tone, hair length, hair color, clothing, body measurements (head, chest, biceps, forearms, hands, thighs, calves and feet) and biographical information. i now have the option to set my player-character as one of 14 pro skaters, a few special unlocked characters as well as myself, my girlfriend or annie's girlfriend. strangely enough now whenever i play as myself or someone else plays as me, i feel more for the player-character. so for every bail, missed trick or failed goal it seems to reflect on me personally. it didn't help that annie kept saying, "come on dedi, quit screwing up." when she was using my character. i think i'll stick to my geeked out bobby burnquist.
my paper topic chat this week was helpful. i got the green light to attempt to connect some of my other research in female & queer spectatorship with gaming. if it works out i feel that it could be a real insight for further analysis of interactive media such as video games. besides, it's an excuse to reread some of my favorite articles about finding a place for the queer in a subject everyone associates with some other dominant group. so, if it works there will be that great sense of accomplishment of tearing a hole in the fabric as an entrypoint for non-normative audiences. sometimes theory is so terribly exciting.
it was kind of funny givng a gaming demonstration for the class. i wish that it didn't have to be such a whirlwind tour through the various genres and games, but i'm glad that people got a taste before their game analyses were due. i wish that the emulation had worked better because the older games deserved their spotlight. i guess it would have worked out better if i had had some saved games to show off some of the more intermediate/advanced parts of the games. this made me realize how different my gaming experiences on the pc are versus console games. console games are far more social due to their home-based setup. until recently, in order to play multiplayer games all players had to be present and in close quarters. on the other hand, pc based games usually carreid a bit more distance as players could usually play anywhere on a LAN or in some cases on the internet. while i'm excited that the gamecube (my next-gen console of choice being the nintendo loyalist that i am) will be getting broadband support soon, i will be wary of letting it disturb the social aspect of gaming that i've been enjoying lately with playing tony hawk with my friends.
i think it went well. here's some of my favorite moments:
i am definitely a screamer. i don't scream though...but i do make low
gluturral grunts when I'm scared! heh.when playing games like resident evil
I usually pause every like 2 minutes and go downstairs and talk to my
family because it freaks me out!
well connect in that I worship them and wish i could be them [girls who
kick ass]...then yeah! i do put them on a sort of pedestal though...so i
don't identify with BEING them
the same old stories have really gotten boring...even the classics usually
have crazy plot twists. I think video games will only go futher in how they
meld "telling the story" with "playing the story." with all the non-linear
games out...you're not just propelling the events of the story
forward...you're deciding their order and all the effects that
has.